I'll admit, gratitude has not been my main feeling these last few months.
Infact, it's been the complete opposite.
Trials have came and gone in my life and for the most part, I have gotten through them with a strong testimony and have felt that everything happens for a reason. But, this trial of having depression has been incredibly hard on me. I have felt alone. Selfish. I've lost people I love because I have pushed them away. I have turned into this negative person who I don't even know. But, I want to change. I need to change.
With many many tears and sadness that has come with this depression, I have felt as though Satan has taken over my thoughts and actions and has encouraged me to stay that way. My testimony shook, and my prayers were less often. I have felt that God maybe wasn't listening anymore. I didn't feel his presence. I felt more alone than I can even explain. I have wanted to end my life. Multiple times.
But- I still know God lives and that in itself has to be my testimony- so I have started to feed off of that. I got help from the doctor, and will be starting counseling too. I have been trying to do all I can do to be the happy person I know I am. My brother Adam took me to breakfast this morning at Kneaders and I sat and listened to him explain all the problems that come with depression. (He has suffered from it as well.) He said depression is a selfish, prideful thing and only because when you have depression all you think about is yourself and how others are hurting YOU. Not how you are hurting others. I didn't say much, because I know he is right. It hurts to hear those words because I have only been thinking of how others have hurt me. I never realized that it might be me that is hurting others. He compared it to a drunk driving accident- when the driver is drunk, they don't have good judgment and they will try to get others along for the ride- when in the end, it can only cause damage and force others to be pulled into something they didn't expect or want. I don't want to be the 'drunk driver' that pulls others down with me.
So, today, I change.
I walk with Gratitude. (hence, the blog name)
My brother suggested that I start a blog or journal and write everyday on it something I am grateful for. I am sure this will help me see that there are people who love me in my life and there are things that do make me happy.
President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.”
I have yet to know that to be true, but I am sure it will prove itself in time. I have faith that I can change, and that God will help me gain my strong testimony again.
Today, I am grateful for my brother Adam. He took me to breakfast at Kneaders and shared with me many truths about life and how to get through the hard times. He is the only brother that has told me lovingly how he thinks I can get through it, and I am grateful he took the time to care about me and help me.
Thomas S. Monson says: it is my prayer that in addition to all else for which we are grateful, we may ever reflect our gratitude for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His glorious gospel provides answers to life’s greatest questions: Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do our spirits go when we die? That gospel brings to those who live in darkness the light of divine truth.