Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Walking with Gratitude

I'll admit, gratitude has not been my main feeling these last few months. 

Infact, it's been the complete opposite. 

Trials have came and gone in my life and for the most part, I have gotten through them with a strong testimony and have felt that everything happens for a reason. But, this trial of having depression has been incredibly hard on me. I have felt alone. Selfish. I've lost people I love because I have pushed them away. I have turned into this negative person who I don't even know. But, I want to change. I need to change. 

With many many tears and sadness that has come with this depression, I have felt as though Satan has taken over my thoughts and actions and has encouraged me to stay that way. My testimony shook, and my prayers were less often. I have felt that God maybe wasn't listening anymore. I didn't feel his presence. I felt more alone than I can even explain. I have wanted to end my life. Multiple times. 

But- I still know God lives and that in itself has to be my testimony- so I have started to feed off of that. I got help from the doctor, and will be starting counseling too. I have been trying to do all I can do to be the happy person I know I am. My brother Adam took me to breakfast this morning at Kneaders and I sat and listened to him explain all the problems that come with depression. (He has suffered from it as well.) He said depression is a selfish, prideful thing and only because when you have depression all you think about is yourself and how others are hurting YOU. Not how you are hurting others. I didn't say much, because I know he is right. It hurts to hear those words because I have only been thinking of how others have hurt me. I never realized that it might be me that is hurting others. He compared it to a drunk driving accident- when the driver is drunk, they don't have good judgment and they will try to get others along for the ride- when in the end, it can only cause damage and force others to be pulled into something they didn't expect or want. I don't want to be the 'drunk driver' that pulls others down with me. 

So, today, I change. 

I walk with Gratitude. (hence, the blog name)

My brother suggested that I start a blog or journal and write everyday on it something I am grateful for. I am sure this will help me see that there are people who love me in my life and there are things that do make me happy. 

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “When you walk with gratitude, you do not walk with arrogance and conceit and egotism, you walk with a spirit of thanksgiving that is becoming to you and will bless your lives.”

I have yet to know that to be true, but I am sure it will prove itself in time. I have faith that I can change, and that God will help me gain my strong testimony again. 

Today, I am grateful for my brother Adam. He took me to breakfast at Kneaders and shared with me many truths about life and how to get through the hard times. He is the only brother that has told me lovingly how he thinks I can get through it, and I am grateful he took the time to care about me and help me. 

Thomas S. Monson says: it is my prayer that in addition to all else for which we are grateful, we may ever reflect our gratitude for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His glorious gospel provides answers to life’s greatest questions: Where did we come from? Why are we here? Where do our spirits go when we die? That gospel brings to those who live in darkness the light of divine truth.
He taught us how to pray. He taught us how to live. He taught us how to die. His life is a legacy of love. The sick He healed; the downtrodden He lifted; the sinner He saved.
Ultimately, He stood alone. Some Apostles doubted; one betrayed Him. The Roman soldiers pierced His side. The angry mob took His life. There yet rings from Golgotha’s hill His compassionate words: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” 14
Who was this “man of sorrows, … acquainted with grief”? 15 “Who is this King of glory,” 16 this Lord of lords? He is our Master. He is our Savior. He is the Son of God. He is the Author of Our Salvation. He beckons, “Follow me.” 17 He instructs, “Go, and do thou likewise.” 18 He pleads, “Keep my commandments.” 19
Let us follow Him. Let us emulate His example. Let us obey His words. By so doing, we give to Him the divine gift of gratitude."
So, I will do all I can to give the Lord the divine gift of gratitude by walking with faith and gratitude in my every day life. I hope you will help me do this and do it for yourself too. That doesn't mean my life will be instantly perfect or happy all the time. But on this blog, I will try to just share the tender mercies of my life and the things I am grateful for. It needs to be my gratitude journal even though right now the bad outweighs the good in my life, I need to be grateful for it Because like Joseph B. Wirthlin says, it can help mold me into the person God wants me to become, and to come what may, and love it. 


Jennifer said...

Awesome, Gillian! You reminded me to be thankful for my siblings too. This will be great for you and everyone you share it with.

Mrs.Danielle.Warren said...

GO GiLLiAN!!! You aren't alone in this; through the help of the Savior & from the prayers of all those who will be reading this who are going through the exact same thing. Ending each day writing down the good things will help your day end on a good note!

Kira said...

You sound like you have a pretty awesome brother. I am glad he took the time to help you. :) I think he is right. Actually.. I started a blog for the same reason... I needed to remind myself of the good things, and you would be surprised how much it actually DOES work. However it does take time. :) I hope your Journey will be satisfying, and fulfilling.